remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
