I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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