A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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