does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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