this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
