This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
