In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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