Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
