i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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