Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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