I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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