Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I look better un-naked...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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