The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
