He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
