Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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