does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
