Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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