i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
