you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Where is the hickey?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
