You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
