An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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