whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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