wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
