I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
