Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
