dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
