I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
