that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
