I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
