I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
