I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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