I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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