Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just pynch a tree in the face
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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