to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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