It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
