just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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