tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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