Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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