she woke up with a sticky ear
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
