Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
