It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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