i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
even my farts smell like vagina
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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