You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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