Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
