Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
