I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
