you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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