she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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