I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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