I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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