Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
