Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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