If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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