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Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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