you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
pop tarts are not kleenex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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