We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
