Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
