I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
