god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
