and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
