It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
