Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
